So I had a bit of a breakdown today. I decided to catch up on my blog reading, because I've been sadly neglecting them. As I read some of my friends' stories, I couldn't stop the tears from falling. I quickly wiped the tears away, and decided to take my dishes downstairs. As I was putting my cup in the sink, I realized that I wasn't letting myself deal with the pain I was feeling. I have all this emotion just below the surface, but I keep pushing it down deeper. Occasionally, tears will surface, but I don't dwell on them for long. Unfortunately this is a pattern that I taught myself at a very young age. Just be okay...I'm okay. It's so much easier for me to cry over a movie or a song, then to really take a look at my own heart and where my own pain comes from. I learned about this pattern of dealing with things in my life a couple years ago. I guess just because I know about it doesn't mean that I'm all fixed, huh. Darn. I decided to take this to my blog for two reasons. One, it forces me to process, and two, because maybe if it's out there in the blog-o-sphere, I will hold myself more accountable to dealing with my emotions in a healthier way. By the way, after I put my cup in the sink, I fell to floor sobbing. I cried for my pain and my friend's loss...and I prayed for His comfort. Well, thanks for listening to me.
6 hours ago
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6 comments:
That kind of pain and sadness is so hard to try to deal with. It's good that you are realizing you can't go on burying/hiding it. Just said a prayer for you--know you're not alone!
So I am pretty sure I just answered the question I left on your message last night. :( I'm so sorry you are having a tough time. Know that I love you and will be praying. Those tears often come uninvited but it is good to let them come. Call me soon.
love you, friend.
I really wish that I could hug you!
mandy-
good to hear your heart (i miss those days in the Union!) as always and it was so good to see you last week!
i don't say it enough, because it's my way of stuffing down the emotion of being lonely, but you're a dear friend.
Mandy, just found your blog again, so I just read this. What a beautiful honest picture! I sure love all parts of you, even the hurting, messed-up ones. :) Miss you guys.
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